I am not at a crossroads in my life because I have chosen my road. I am here and I am a man, maybe. I don’t mean that I am questioning my gender, I’m just not sure if I can call myself an adult. Recent events would lead me to believe that I have made the transformation from boy to man. I’ve experienced feelings that I didn’t know existed. I thought I had felt everything there is to feel in some form or another. I haven’t experienced everything. I am young yet I am not naïve enough to think I’ve dealt with every situation that one can experience but I believe that there are certain base feelings that makeup every situation. I thought I had experienced every feeling but not every situation. I just suffered a new emotion and it required something drastic in order for me to discover this new emotion. I sit here now, at my computer, with the realization that there are probably an infinite amount of feelings yet for me to discover and there are feelings that I will never have the opportunity to feel, due to our limited lifespan as human beings.
This something drastic has changed my perspective on everything and what the worth of it all is. I am not sure what the point is anymore. Is the answer with God? Is there even an answer? Do I even care? I used to look at life and feel all these wonderful emotions of grandeur and how everything is beautiful if looked at from the right angle. I used to think every emotion was worth feeling, good or bad, in order to gain wisdom. Optimism overshadowed reality. I do not doubt that I am wiser but I would rather go through life being ignorant of this emotion. I used to think that given the opportunity to experience and understand something new was detrimental in life in order to become wiser so I could help myself in the future with making knowledgeable decisions.
I now see life simply as a beginning, hopefully a drawn out middle, and an end. Those of us that are lucky get the drawn out middle and then there are some of us that only have a beginning and an end with barely room for the middle. Then there are also the ones only with the inkling of a beginning. I can’t even give those unlucky few ends because their beginning wasn’t even officially the beginning. It is like someone saying be… then being cut off mid sentence. They weren’t allowed to start. It’s like a countdown and stopping on the two before ever getting to one to begin the race. The moment of a start is never given its chance. Almost like it never happened, but we all know that it was there. We heard that person say three, two… or heard them begin to say beginning with just the word be before getting cut off. But once you don’t finish the beginning was there ever really a beginning at all? In my heart the answer is yes. Once you know that something is started and you can finish the start in your own head, even if it didn’t pan out in reality and in physical space, something has begun.
The start of something new is such a wonderful and exciting thing. I’ve started anew so many times with fear and excitement taking over my emotions and I look back at all those beginnings with a happy nostalgia. I remember how I could’ve gone down a hundred different paths by making different choices and fortunately or unfortunately the paths I chose to tread have led me here. But having those options was so exhilarating and nerve wracking that I sit here and smile as I reminisce. I may have totally fucked up in the middle but I remember fondly the potential of the beginning and that is why I consider the beginning as the most beautiful part of any story because potential is a beautiful thing.